Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
porn star boner night. come get it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
