yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
