At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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