just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
