Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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