I should be sponsored by Trojan
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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