I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
