Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
