Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
