Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
