I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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