i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
