I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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