Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
