You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
