i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
