you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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