I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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