I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
