the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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