i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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