I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
