I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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