You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
All I want is dick and wine.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
