i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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