I seem to have left my pride at pride
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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