I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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