how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
