At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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