Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
