Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
don't judge my taste in strippers
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
