In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
