I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
