You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize