the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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