it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
