I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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