I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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