I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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