I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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