Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
