when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am spending my child support on dildos
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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