her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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