I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
