The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
