once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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