The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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