Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
