the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
