you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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