i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Randomize
