Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
