I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
